


The Toaster Incident (is to be used as blackmail by agent Coulson)

by AKA_Green



Series: Nick Needs To Stop Shooting Things [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Marriage Proposal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-27
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-05-03 13:56:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5293706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AKA_Green/pseuds/AKA_Green
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Breakfast at Phil's house means Nick should not be in the kitchen. Much less shooting his toaster.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Toaster Incident (is to be used as blackmail by agent Coulson)

It was decided, mostly subconsciously, that Phil made breakfast. Half of this was because Nick could use the extra twenty minutes of sleep, but also because he could not cook to save his life with most modern appliances. Sure, he could make a feast out of wild birds and cook in the middle of the wilderness for actual survival, but put him in a kitchen and he can’t boil water without something burning.

So Phil cooked at home.

This morning, Nick woke a little earlier than usual, meaning he walked into the kitchen in full uniform while Phil scrambled them both some eggs. Luckily, Phil was almost totally dressed, just without his suit jacket. If he wasn’t Phil would be more inclined for, ahem, intimate activity, when he saw Nick's leather clad form. Nick really did manage to pull off the cloak and one color outfit. Phil gave his boyfriend a smile, and turned back to his cooking. He heard Nick’s footsteps on the wood floor and leaned into the kiss Nick planted on his temples as the larger man wrapped his arms about his middle.

“Mornin’, Agent,” Nick mumbled.

“Oh, is that how it is, Boss?” Phil said, wryly.

Nick hummed, and withdrew, most likely going to the kitchen table. Phil watched him go briefly, and turned back to flip the eggs with his spatula. He glanced up to check the bacon and time. The toast should be done about-

BING!

“SHI-”

 _DFF_. CRACK!

Phil started in surprise, and his head shot over to where Nick was standing, silenced pistol in hand, aimed right at the... Phil blinked.

“You- you shot the toaster,” Phil stated, staring at the ruined toaster as it started smoking.

“No! I-”

“It startled you and you… you shot my toaster,” Phil stared at Nick as he shuffled from foot to foot, expression black. Nick crossed his arms, blushing slightly.

“Agent, you didn’t see shit.”

Phil stared again, and suddenly he was laughing. He tried to muffle it with his hand, but that only made the shaking of his shoulders worse and the heaving breaths lounder.

“Oh my god, Nick. That-,” his laughter overtook him again and he put the spatula down. He took a few steps over to Nick and hugged him, pinning the directors arms to his chest. “Is the big, bad director scared of toast?!” Phil crowed, “That's one reason to love you, I guess,” he snickered.

“It could have been a threat-” Nick argued.

“And thank you for protecting us,” Phil smiled warmly, pulling away and going on his tip toes to plant a kiss on Nick's lips. “But you owe me a new one.”

Nick huffed, but didn't argue. “The eggs are burning,” he said instead.

Phil smelled the burning and ran back to the stove.

The eggs were a bit too crispy that morning, but that was alright.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Phil glared angrily across the control room at Nick. Fury, because they were working.

“Sir, this is not the-”

“Stand down, Agent.”

“Fury, I swear to god, Barton can get to her! We don’t have to send an entire squadron after the Black Widow!”

“Are you disrespecting direct orders, Agent Coulson?”

Phil glared at Nick.

“You shot my toaster,” he said calmly. He didn’t react as guilt flashed across Nick’s face. The new agents looked up in surprise.

“Phil-”

“You shot my toaster. You gave me that for our anniversary!”

“Jesus Christ, Phil, fine! Send in Barton! Jesus fuck, Phil.”

Phil smiled smugly. “I’m glad we could discuss the options for this mission, Director.”

“Get the fuck out of here and send your boy out, Agent.”

Phil nodded, and turned to leave, but not before hearing Nick say to the room, “You speak of what just happened, and I ship your asses to antarctica for three years, got it? You say a word about toaster and you might as well be shoveling cow shit in Latveria.”

A chorus of ‘Yes, sirs!’

Phil feels oddly proud of himself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next time he uses that against Nick, the Avengers are present. He’s just woken up in medical and Nick is facing the collective mess of pissed humans and nonhumans and is telling them that, no, he isn’t going to be their handler and he’s still recovering, not even conscious yet.

“You shot my toaster,” he rasps.

Nick whirls around and growls, “Jesus fuck, Phil!”

“Toaster,” Phil glares, even as Nick sits down and helps him drink from a cup set on his bed side table.

Nick sighed, and opened his mouth to reply, but Phil cuts him off. “And you still haven't replaced it!”

“Now is not the time-”

“You know I’d be best as managing the Avengers, Nick.”

“Baby-”

“Toaster.”

Fury throws his hands in the air, “Fuck, Phil. This is why-”

“Toaster!”

Nick stands up in a huff, “Wait the fuck here,” and he storms off.

Phil watches him go, and looks up at the surprised Avengers.

“I assume we won?” Phil asks.

“Fuck, Coulson. Yeah we won. How are you feeling?” Barton asks, dropping into the seat where Nick was.

“Not great. But pretty okay. I got stabbed?”

“Yes,” Romanoff says smoothly, sliding into the seat on the other side of the bed.

Then Stark is chattering and retelling their victory in only the way he can, and Rogers is looking at him in exasperation. Phil relaxes into the pillow a bit, mildly interested in what happened when he was out.

Nick bursts in with a scowl and a cardboard box.

“Fucking here!” He scowls, dropping the box on Phil’s lap.

Phil blinks and reaches in, feeling the smooth metallic box within. He pulls it out, and lo and behold, holds a new, state of the art stainless steel toaster. He observes it in admiration. Nick spared no expense.Then he turns it around and sees what Nick wrote in messy permanent marker.

_**Marry me you fucking pain in the ass.** _

“Yes,” Phil says happily. “But I still think I’m best for the Avengers handler.”

“Fine!” Nick growls, stalking back over. Nick presses a kiss to Phil’s forehead and the group of heros make a collective surprised noise.

“Woah! Could not have called that!” Stark yelps. Rogers nudges him and tells him to be polite, that Coulson is still injured. Coulson smiles softly. Thats his group of heros now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~``

Nick doesn’t shoot the toaster again, luckily.

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired by a tumblr prompt, enjoy and leave comments!


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